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Sympathy messages

How to write a condolence letter

A condolence letter is a longer, handwritten message that takes the time to say what the person who died meant to you. It usually has five parts: the loss named, a memory or quality, what they meant, an offer or wish, and a warm close. One page is plenty; the family will often keep it for years.

Updated

Hands writing a note on a white card next to an envelope on a wooden table
On this page

The examples on this page were written for TributePen. The people, names and details in them are invented: use them as a starting point, never as someone's real story.

Why write a letter

A card says "I'm sorry." A letter says "Here is what I saw, and here is what they meant." Families often reread condolence letters months later, because they contain stories about their person they had never heard. It is one of the most lasting things you can give.

Writing it can help you, too. Research on expressive writing, led by James Pennebaker, found that writing about emotional experiences can be beneficial for the writer, which many people feel when they put their memories of someone on paper.

The five parts

  1. Name the loss. "I was so saddened to hear of Robert's death."
  2. Share a memory or a quality. The heart of the letter: one or two specific stories.
  3. Say what they meant. To you, to your community, or what you saw them mean to the reader.
  4. Offer or wish. A concrete offer, or a wish for comfort.
  5. Close warmly. "With love and deepest sympathy," then your full name.

Four complete letters

To a widowed friend

warm≈ 1 min 03 sec read aloud

Dear Ellen,

I have been thinking of you every hour since I heard about Bill. I am so very sorry.

I keep remembering the summer barbecue at your house, when the grill caught fire and Bill calmly put it out with the garden hose, then served the most blackened burgers in history with enormous pride. We laughed until we cried. That was Bill: nothing ever rattled him, and he made everyone around him feel at home.

I also remember how he looked at you across the table that night, the way he always did, as if he still couldn't believe his luck. Thirty-nine years, and he never stopped looking at you like that.

I will be at the service on Saturday, and I'd like to bring dinner the week after, when the house gets quiet. I'll call first.

With all my love and deepest sympathy,

Carol

For to a friend whose husband died · 146 words · 780 characters
Why it works: one funny memory and one tender observation, then a plan for the quiet weeks after. Make it yours: the most valuable part is a story the widow may not have heard, or loves to hear again.

To a colleague's family

formal≈ 56 sec read aloud

Dear Mrs. Okafor,

I worked with your husband, Daniel, at the engineering firm for fourteen years, and I want to tell you how deeply he was respected by all of us.

When I joined the company as a young engineer, Daniel was the one who took time to explain things without ever making me feel foolish. Years later, I learned he had done the same for nearly everyone on our team. He was patient, precise and generous with his time, and he always went home on time to be with his family, which he talked about with great pride.

Our office is much quieter without his laugh. Please know how much he was valued, and how many people are thinking of you and your children.

With sincere sympathy,

Michael Grant

For to the family of a colleague · 130 words · 699 characters
Why it works: it tells the family about a side of Daniel they did not see every day. Make it yours: colleagues should explain who they are in the first sentence.

To a family

warm≈ 47 sec read aloud

Dear Taylor family,

Grandma Ruth was the first adult who ever treated me as if my opinions mattered. I was eleven, sitting at her kitchen table, and she asked me what I thought about something in the newspaper. Then she listened. I have never forgotten it.

For years, her door was open to every kid on our street. She fed us, corrected our grammar, and made us feel welcome. I know I am one of many who will carry her lessons.

I am so sorry for your loss. I will be thinking of all of you, and I will be at the service to say goodbye.

With love,

Sarah Mitchell

For to a family you knew well, loss of a grandmother · 110 words · 560 characters
Why it works: a single scene shows the grandmother's character, and it reminds the family how widely she was loved. Make it yours: childhood memories of someone else's grandparent are especially precious to the family.

A late letter

simple≈ 46 sec read aloud

Dear James,

It has been three months since your father died, and I have thought of you often. I am sorry I did not write sooner; I wanted to find the right words, and I finally realized there are none.

I remember your dad at every one of our high school games, in the same seat, with the same thermos of coffee. He never missed one, not even the terrible seasons.

I imagine these months have been hard, and that many people have gone back to normal while you haven't. I'd love to take you to lunch soon and hear how you are.

Thinking of you,

Pete

For a letter sent months later · 107 words · 546 characters
Why it works: it acknowledges the delay once, then gives a memory and an invitation. Make it yours: a late letter often arrives when the grieving person feels most forgotten.

Phrases that help

  • "I'll always remember..."
  • "What I admired most about her was..."
  • "He talked about you all the time."
  • "I'd like to [specific offer] next week."
  • "There are no words, but I wanted you to know I'm thinking of you."

For shorter wording, see what to write in a sympathy card.

Common questions

How long should a condolence letter be?

Usually one page, handwritten, or about 150 to 300 words. Long enough for one or two memories, short enough to be read on a hard day.

Should a condolence letter be handwritten?

Handwritten is traditional and feels more personal. If your handwriting is hard to read, typing it and signing by hand is fine. Email is acceptable when that is how you normally communicate with the person.

Who should I address a condolence letter to?

To the person closest to the one who died that you know, for example the spouse or an adult child, and optionally "and family." If you knew several family members, address it to the family.

Sources

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