Sympathy messages
What to say when someone dies
When someone tells you a person they love has died, the best first words are simple: "I'm so sorry." Then listen. You do not need to explain, fix or find meaning. Say the person's name, let them talk if they want to, and offer something specific you will actually do.
Updated
On this page
The examples on this page were written for TributePen. The people, names and details in them are invented: use them as a starting point, never as someone's real story.
The first conversation
When the news comes, you do not need a speech.
In person
simpleOh, Jen. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry about your dad.
An open door
simpleDo you want to tell me about him? Or would you rather we just sit here for a bit?
A memory
simpleI'm so sorry. Your mom was the first person who welcomed us when we moved in. I'll never forget that.
By phone
Keep calls short unless they want to talk. Offer before you hang up.
Phone
simpleI just heard, and I wanted to call. I'm so sorry about Grace. I won't keep you. I'll drop off food tomorrow, and I'm here anytime you want to talk.
By text
Texts are fine for first contact with friends and colleagues who text with you normally.
Text
simpleI just heard about your brother. I'm so sorry. No need to reply. I'm here.
At the visitation or funeral
The receiving line moves slowly. A sentence is enough.
Receiving line
simpleI'm so sorry. I'm Linda, I worked with your father for twenty years. He was the best boss I ever had.
Knowing the family
simpleI'm so sorry, Mrs. Chen. He was a wonderful man. We're thinking of you.
What not to say
| Instead of | Try |
|---|---|
| "I know how you feel." | "I can't imagine how hard this is." |
| "They're in a better place." | "I'm so sorry she's gone." |
| "Everything happens for a reason." | "This is so unfair." |
| "At least they lived a long life." | "Ninety-two years, and still not enough." |
| "Let me know if you need anything." | "I'm bringing dinner Thursday." |
| "Be strong." | "It's okay to fall apart." |
| "How did it happen?" | Let them share what they want. |
What to do, not just say
- Bring food in containers that do not need returning.
- Handle a task: airport pickups, lawn, dog, school runs.
- Show up at the service. Your presence is noticed, even if you do not speak to the family.
- Remember the dates: a month later, the birthday, the first holidays, the anniversary.
- Say their name later on. Many grieving people fear others will forget the person they lost.
More gentle phrases are in words of comfort. If you want to put it in writing, see sympathy messages and how to write a condolence letter.
Common questions
What do you say at a funeral or visitation?
Something short to the family: "I'm so sorry. I worked with Tom for ten years; he was always kind to me." Say how you knew the person if they may not know you. Keep it brief; many people are waiting.
What do you say when someone tells you their loved one died?
"I'm so sorry" and, if you knew the person, their name and something true about them. Then ask if they want to talk or just have company, and listen.
Is it okay to say nothing at all?
Silence can be kind when you are with someone, a hand on the shoulder, sitting together. But not reaching out at all, out of fear of saying the wrong thing, often hurts more than an imperfect message.
Related guides
- Sympathy messagesWhat to say, by relationship and situation.
- Condolence messages for a sudden deathGentle words after an accident, a sudden illness or a suicide.
- Condolence messages for a friendWhat to say to a grieving friend, and what to do next.
- Celebration of life: what it is and how to plan oneHow it differs from a funeral, planning, invitations and dress.